Anniversary

And, so today marks my three year anniversary on the latest leg of my journey.  The only difference between this day and any other is, thankfully, nothing.  Just one more day of sobriety, which is all (for this) I can ask for to continue today and tomorrow.  The marking of time is to show that the program of AA works so those coming into the program and see that no matter how far you have come, or believe you have sunk, that you can come back and lead a fulfilling life.

What the past number of years have taught me is what I have now I don't want to lose.  I had thought that the drink was saving me from the pain of my life, when, in fact, it was going exactly the opposite.  Living my life, experiencing my life with those that I love and who love me -- that is what is saving me.  Life is joyful.  Life is painful.  Life is to be experienced.  What I have now is something that I want to keep and will work as hard as I can to make sure I keep myself in a position to stay here.  I owe this to myself, my wife, my kids, my higher power to not take that next drink.  So far, so many 24 hours good.

Writing

Writing for me is so much about inspiration and drive.  Whenever I feel "bottled up", suddenly it all needs to come out, hence the desire to write.  However, I should take these signs of intense writing as a sign that something is not quite right.  Going through the program and the spiritual path is to lead the exact opposite of that -- to speak honestly and truthfully.  Not to bottle.

So, this is why no writing lately.  The thing of it is, though, I know myself.  When I become too complacent I stop growing.  Complacency is (one of) my worst enemies.  When talking with Erin I was telling her how different our lives of now.  We've worked really hard to get to where we are, and, I want to know and remember to not take this all for granted.  How it can be taken away in a moment.  This means enjoying the life we have built, but also not resting on my laurels.  To continue to work, to strive, to walk the spiritual path.  Maybe not the strides I want to take, but strides none the less.

One step forward, two steps back

I always find it difficult to completely remove my self will from any situation.  I am trying to follow to the idea of a higher power doing the controlling and me making the changes that I need to make in order to better my life, the main thing of which is changing the person I brought in.  All good in theory, until it really hits the fan, then, it is incredibly difficult to remove myself from, well, me.  To step aside and look at it as more of the grand plan and simply change what I can't change, and not worry, obsess, etc. about those things that I cannot.

In this case the mind becomes the worst enemy.  Coming up with ideas, situations, issues, problems, resolutions that have no basis in reality other than to try and get you to drink.  This is what they call the cunning and baffling nature of the disease.  Any little toehold it can find, and the mind is off to the races.  The notion of trusting, not only in those around you, but in also the plan is so very difficult.  If I cannot control it, how can I trust it?  Removing that from my thoughts must be paramount.  I cannot control, and so therefore I must trust completely, that, what happens is the way it should happen.  Of course I want things to turn out my way.  I want my life according to my vision.  What I want.  When I want it.  We don't always get that though (or, really ever).  Do we?  I must trust that life will move in a direction that I can handle and move on with.  I cannot be too much, or at all, buried in myself to make this work.  Thy will be done, not mine must be in the forefront of my thoughts, else I do wallow in self pity, denial and hurt, which does not help me nor anyone around me.

I love and trust the people in my life.  They have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly.  Now, I have to trust in my higher power to show the way...