Anniversary

And, so today marks my three year anniversary on the latest leg of my journey.  The only difference between this day and any other is, thankfully, nothing.  Just one more day of sobriety, which is all (for this) I can ask for to continue today and tomorrow.  The marking of time is to show that the program of AA works so those coming into the program and see that no matter how far you have come, or believe you have sunk, that you can come back and lead a fulfilling life.

What the past number of years have taught me is what I have now I don't want to lose.  I had thought that the drink was saving me from the pain of my life, when, in fact, it was going exactly the opposite.  Living my life, experiencing my life with those that I love and who love me -- that is what is saving me.  Life is joyful.  Life is painful.  Life is to be experienced.  What I have now is something that I want to keep and will work as hard as I can to make sure I keep myself in a position to stay here.  I owe this to myself, my wife, my kids, my higher power to not take that next drink.  So far, so many 24 hours good.

Writing

Writing for me is so much about inspiration and drive.  Whenever I feel "bottled up", suddenly it all needs to come out, hence the desire to write.  However, I should take these signs of intense writing as a sign that something is not quite right.  Going through the program and the spiritual path is to lead the exact opposite of that -- to speak honestly and truthfully.  Not to bottle.

So, this is why no writing lately.  The thing of it is, though, I know myself.  When I become too complacent I stop growing.  Complacency is (one of) my worst enemies.  When talking with Erin I was telling her how different our lives of now.  We've worked really hard to get to where we are, and, I want to know and remember to not take this all for granted.  How it can be taken away in a moment.  This means enjoying the life we have built, but also not resting on my laurels.  To continue to work, to strive, to walk the spiritual path.  Maybe not the strides I want to take, but strides none the less.

One step forward, two steps back

I always find it difficult to completely remove my self will from any situation.  I am trying to follow to the idea of a higher power doing the controlling and me making the changes that I need to make in order to better my life, the main thing of which is changing the person I brought in.  All good in theory, until it really hits the fan, then, it is incredibly difficult to remove myself from, well, me.  To step aside and look at it as more of the grand plan and simply change what I can't change, and not worry, obsess, etc. about those things that I cannot.

In this case the mind becomes the worst enemy.  Coming up with ideas, situations, issues, problems, resolutions that have no basis in reality other than to try and get you to drink.  This is what they call the cunning and baffling nature of the disease.  Any little toehold it can find, and the mind is off to the races.  The notion of trusting, not only in those around you, but in also the plan is so very difficult.  If I cannot control it, how can I trust it?  Removing that from my thoughts must be paramount.  I cannot control, and so therefore I must trust completely, that, what happens is the way it should happen.  Of course I want things to turn out my way.  I want my life according to my vision.  What I want.  When I want it.  We don't always get that though (or, really ever).  Do we?  I must trust that life will move in a direction that I can handle and move on with.  I cannot be too much, or at all, buried in myself to make this work.  Thy will be done, not mine must be in the forefront of my thoughts, else I do wallow in self pity, denial and hurt, which does not help me nor anyone around me.

I love and trust the people in my life.  They have stuck with me through the good, the bad and the ugly.  Now, I have to trust in my higher power to show the way...

Courage and Fear

I don't remember who said it, but, at my favorite group I remember hearing the phrase "It is not the absence of fear that shows courage, it is having that fear and doing it anyway".  That was pretty profound for me.  When I first got into AA, I believe I was looking for a way to get rid of the fear -- to shed it.  What AA, and the people in AA have taught me, is that it is learning to live with that fear, to deal with it and move on, rather than ignoring it or hoping it will go away is the real way to maintain sobriety.  To ignore the fear, to deny it's existence is to put me right back where I started.  To see the fear, to understand and to deal with it (and, yes, a great deal of time, sometimes even laugh at it), is so much healthier and such a freeing experience.  It has allowed me to grow a great deal and deal with life on life's terms, rather than solely on mine

Planning vs. Obsessing

I know I have posted before about keeping it in the moment, however, I realize more than  ever now how important that is.  To remind yourself that all you can do is worry about *now*, that, who knows what will happen a minute, and hour or a year from now?  To spend all the time and energy projecting and worrying about that is counter-productive.  There is a difference between planning for the future and obsessing about it.  Planning is having an idea of where you want the journey to take you.  Obsessing is projecting what that end result will be.      More than ever, lately, I have tried to realize this distinction to allow myself to stay in the moment and not spin off into areas that will only lead to worry and remorse (those things that will surely lead anyone to drink!).

When I find myself spinning in that direction, it helps me to remind myself "thy will, not mine, be done".  It helps to remind me that I cannot control the future.  I can only look at now and see where the next step will take me.

Thy Will Be Done, Not Mine

Sometimes I think (well, I know) I have spiritual dyslexia in that I read the phrase "My Will Be Done, Not Thine".  Just a few letters off, but, a world of difference in terms of spiritual pain, anguish and suffering.  I have been putting myself through the emotional wringer lately, and, I have forgotten the basic tenet of the journey of life.  What is happening is meant to be, and, we will see where it goes.  It is difficult to "Let Go, Let God", but, sometimes, in order to make it through, you need to

Keeping it in the Moment

Lately I have it found it to be a huge comfort to not look ahead more than just the next moment.  When I find myself thinking too much of the future and what ifs, at the point where my mind would spin out of control, bringing it back to "I am calm now.  I will be calm a moment from now." helps a great deal.  The future is just that -- no need to worry about it in this moment.