Courage and Fear

I don't remember who said it, but, at my favorite group I remember hearing the phrase "It is not the absence of fear that shows courage, it is having that fear and doing it anyway".  That was pretty profound for me.  When I first got into AA, I believe I was looking for a way to get rid of the fear -- to shed it.  What AA, and the people in AA have taught me, is that it is learning to live with that fear, to deal with it and move on, rather than ignoring it or hoping it will go away is the real way to maintain sobriety.  To ignore the fear, to deny it's existence is to put me right back where I started.  To see the fear, to understand and to deal with it (and, yes, a great deal of time, sometimes even laugh at it), is so much healthier and such a freeing experience.  It has allowed me to grow a great deal and deal with life on life's terms, rather than solely on mine

Planning vs. Obsessing

I know I have posted before about keeping it in the moment, however, I realize more than  ever now how important that is.  To remind yourself that all you can do is worry about *now*, that, who knows what will happen a minute, and hour or a year from now?  To spend all the time and energy projecting and worrying about that is counter-productive.  There is a difference between planning for the future and obsessing about it.  Planning is having an idea of where you want the journey to take you.  Obsessing is projecting what that end result will be.      More than ever, lately, I have tried to realize this distinction to allow myself to stay in the moment and not spin off into areas that will only lead to worry and remorse (those things that will surely lead anyone to drink!).

When I find myself spinning in that direction, it helps me to remind myself "thy will, not mine, be done".  It helps to remind me that I cannot control the future.  I can only look at now and see where the next step will take me.

Thy Will Be Done, Not Mine

Sometimes I think (well, I know) I have spiritual dyslexia in that I read the phrase "My Will Be Done, Not Thine".  Just a few letters off, but, a world of difference in terms of spiritual pain, anguish and suffering.  I have been putting myself through the emotional wringer lately, and, I have forgotten the basic tenet of the journey of life.  What is happening is meant to be, and, we will see where it goes.  It is difficult to "Let Go, Let God", but, sometimes, in order to make it through, you need to

Keeping it in the Moment

Lately I have it found it to be a huge comfort to not look ahead more than just the next moment.  When I find myself thinking too much of the future and what ifs, at the point where my mind would spin out of control, bringing it back to "I am calm now.  I will be calm a moment from now." helps a great deal.  The future is just that -- no need to worry about it in this moment.

Starting the Steps

So, while in the process of looking for a vacation home, I have exhibited behaviour that has generally scared me that I thought I was beyond.  I guess we are never really beyond ourselves unless we do something active to change who we brought into AA.  I keep hearing this, but, now I think I understand it.  I have talked to my sponsor, and I am going to be calling him (hopefully soon, but, we shall see) about starting the steps.  I think this is the best way I can get out on paper and start to really talk about the behaviour traits that I need to admit to and to start changing the person who I brought in.  I truly understand that unless I can start working on that, I am no more than a dry drunk who is waiting for a relapse!

Mother Teresa's "Do It Anyway" prayer

Never heard this before today's meeting.  Really hit home for me so I thought I would share:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Stuff

In the past few weeks we have been clearing out stuff that we don't need (both physical and virtual) in order to get more stuff that we want (a vacation home).  In reading last night, an alcoholic was promised a new car if he could just stay sober for one year.  Making the promises he could, he, of course, was drinking before the words were out of his mouth.

This got me thinking about stuff and how it can clutter lives and lead to the stress that feeds the disease.  In active alcoholism, the stuff (especially those that require monthly payments) weigh and has the disease tell you it's ok to drink in order to relieve the stress of having to deal.  This, of course, just makes the problem worse as any kind of money issues become worse when drunk.

In sobriety there is the desire (if lost) to get that stuff back.  However, I think, without the proper foundation and realizations as to why this stuff is important, it will just lead back to the old hurtful places.  Having stuff for stuffs sake never really works out.  Do you need the fancy new car (or two)?  The vacation home?  The electronics?  What purpose does it server?  How will it make your life happier, more fulfilled?

This made me realize I kind of have a pyramid that serves as a foundation for wanting to explore bringing the stuff back into my life.  If I do not have this foundation, then, the new stuff will just be a weight that will crush me and bring me back to that dark place.

1) The love and respect of myself.  Without this, really, for me, all is lost.  If I don't love and respect myself, how can I expect other to love and respect me?  Without that love and respect I feel worthless, weak, unimportant.  Which will lead me right back into the throes of my disease
2) The love of a higher power.  This has been a while for me to get, but, knowing that I have something that will help me break out of the dark places that I can give my will over to (this does not mean, however, absolving myself of responsibility -- more on that in another post) helps to know that I can relieve myself of whatever stressful situation I am in now
3) The love and respect of my wife and my family.
4) The love and respect of my group and AA as a whole

As you can see, for me, love and respect are very important.  This all goes to how I treat myself and I perceive others treat me.  When I treat myself poorly, there is no use but to have alcohol as an outlet.  Even if other around me treat me poorly (in my eyes) I know that my love and respect for myself can overcome that because I know I am *worth* that love and respect, and, it will come to me.

With this kind of foundation in place, filling other spaces with things that you think will enhance your life and make it more enjoyable and loving seem second nature.  Anything else will just take up space, confuse, and lead to more stress than it is worth.