Starting the Steps

So, while in the process of looking for a vacation home, I have exhibited behaviour that has generally scared me that I thought I was beyond.  I guess we are never really beyond ourselves unless we do something active to change who we brought into AA.  I keep hearing this, but, now I think I understand it.  I have talked to my sponsor, and I am going to be calling him (hopefully soon, but, we shall see) about starting the steps.  I think this is the best way I can get out on paper and start to really talk about the behaviour traits that I need to admit to and to start changing the person who I brought in.  I truly understand that unless I can start working on that, I am no more than a dry drunk who is waiting for a relapse!

Mother Teresa's "Do It Anyway" prayer

Never heard this before today's meeting.  Really hit home for me so I thought I would share:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Stuff

In the past few weeks we have been clearing out stuff that we don't need (both physical and virtual) in order to get more stuff that we want (a vacation home).  In reading last night, an alcoholic was promised a new car if he could just stay sober for one year.  Making the promises he could, he, of course, was drinking before the words were out of his mouth.

This got me thinking about stuff and how it can clutter lives and lead to the stress that feeds the disease.  In active alcoholism, the stuff (especially those that require monthly payments) weigh and has the disease tell you it's ok to drink in order to relieve the stress of having to deal.  This, of course, just makes the problem worse as any kind of money issues become worse when drunk.

In sobriety there is the desire (if lost) to get that stuff back.  However, I think, without the proper foundation and realizations as to why this stuff is important, it will just lead back to the old hurtful places.  Having stuff for stuffs sake never really works out.  Do you need the fancy new car (or two)?  The vacation home?  The electronics?  What purpose does it server?  How will it make your life happier, more fulfilled?

This made me realize I kind of have a pyramid that serves as a foundation for wanting to explore bringing the stuff back into my life.  If I do not have this foundation, then, the new stuff will just be a weight that will crush me and bring me back to that dark place.

1) The love and respect of myself.  Without this, really, for me, all is lost.  If I don't love and respect myself, how can I expect other to love and respect me?  Without that love and respect I feel worthless, weak, unimportant.  Which will lead me right back into the throes of my disease
2) The love of a higher power.  This has been a while for me to get, but, knowing that I have something that will help me break out of the dark places that I can give my will over to (this does not mean, however, absolving myself of responsibility -- more on that in another post) helps to know that I can relieve myself of whatever stressful situation I am in now
3) The love and respect of my wife and my family.
4) The love and respect of my group and AA as a whole

As you can see, for me, love and respect are very important.  This all goes to how I treat myself and I perceive others treat me.  When I treat myself poorly, there is no use but to have alcohol as an outlet.  Even if other around me treat me poorly (in my eyes) I know that my love and respect for myself can overcome that because I know I am *worth* that love and respect, and, it will come to me.

With this kind of foundation in place, filling other spaces with things that you think will enhance your life and make it more enjoyable and loving seem second nature.  Anything else will just take up space, confuse, and lead to more stress than it is worth.

What Sobriety Brings

The ability to see your son get his black belt, appreciate it, and be there for him.

Honesty and feelings

On the path to healing, the first thing learned is that honesty is the only way to clear out the system.  That talking about your feelings, no matter how hurtful or pleasant they might be, is the way to relieve the burden of needing to drink.  My particular failure was quite the opposite.  Burying.  Dishonesty.  All paths that led to pain and suffering.

Now, this does not mean that speaking of feelings is a panacea.  There are times where I feel like crying all the time.  Believe it or not, this is a good thing.  To be able to have these feelings, to know they are there, no matter what form they come in is so much better than denial and repression.  I think this is only something that you can know once you've gone through and come out the other side.

The honesty bit is actually speaking about them to either the person that is involved with or to anyone.  It is great to have the feelings -- to know about them.  What I have found (personally) is that unless I actually bring them out into the light of day, inspect them and know them (hence the blog and all other forms of therapy I might have), they still just kind of lie there.  And, once speaking of them, speak of them truly.  Now, I know, especially for me, there is always a desire to tamp down, to mitigate, to mute.  This is because I project onto the other person how they will react, and therefore change what I say to that.  Not only does this take power of my emotions from me, it takes from the other person their will to react.  To presume what the other person will think or feel in a particular situation, in all my cases, has been disrespectful of that person and their abilities to share their feelings as well.

Now, for me, this does not mean I bring up a feeling the second I have it.  Sometimes I sit on it a bit.  Sometimes I do bring it up immediately.  The important thing is, for me, to talk about them.

Morbid Reflection

In my 11th step reading on Saturdays, there is always a phrase that stick out to me about keeping the mind from morbid reflection.  This is the part of the mind that takes any situation, no matter how benign, and spins it so far out of the norm that you find your heart racing and your mind going a million miles an hour.  Before, the only way to break that cycle would be to drink it down.  Now there is the serenity prayer and the asking of the higher power to help in the removal of these spinning thoughts.

Usually, for me, the serenity prayer, or, even writing in this blog is enough to tamp down the ghosts for a while.  As someone who has particular low self esteem, it's difficult not to spin situations into areas that would show me in the worst light, or, treated in the worst way.  As a recovering alcoholic who has been sitting in on meetings, listening to people, and hearing what works for them, I know this is also the disease trying to dictate my thoughts to get me back to drinking.  All the work that I have been doing to get myself on the spiritual path has been to combat this disease.  While my ability to cut off this negative and morbid reflection has not gone away, it has been tamped down and mitigated by the tools I have come by in the last few years.

The serenity prayer as a tool to break my thought patterns has really worked wonders for me (even if I need to say it 60 times an hour).  It really works...

Catching Up...

The first series of meetings were basically speaker based.  I had no desire to introduce myself (other than admitting I was an alcoholic) or talking.  As time went on, however, and listening to other people share their stories, I became a bit more open to that idea.  As time moved on, even though I did not have a sponsor or a home group, it became important to me that I at least spoke some, to feel vested in the healing process.

I had attended (for the first 1 1/2) two open speaker meetings and group therapy.  As time went on, while I enjoyed and needed those experiences, I found my attention somewhat wandering.  While helpful, it was more of something I felt I needed to do, rather than something I felt I was growing with.

Then, something fortuitous happened.  One of the meetings I went to had the speaker group not show for a night, so, they moved to reading the big book.  That was kind of a changing experience.  Here I was in a group setting, reading from a book that I have heard so much about that was gathering dust on my shelf (and, sadly still does when I am not reading via group), being put into a position to comment on what I was reading and adapting it to my life.

This was kind of a changing point for me.  I realized that, while providing useful insight and identification, speaker meetings allowed me to continue to hide amongst the masses.  The big book reading brought it to the fore and really got me to identify with my feelings and talk about them in a meaningful way.  It was at this time I changed groups to a step meeting and a big book meeting (same group, two different nights).  I have met some amazing people there and heard some amazing stories.  It was the first group I joined (although still not terribly active) and where I found my first sponsor (although still not terribly active).  It was where I first really felt at home.  I found that reading, identifying and listening to others in different lengths of sobriety meant so much.  As I say in the meeting, I found a place where I can talk and not be judged by my actions.  I know that what I will say will not be met with skepticism, derision or a downward cast.  This is so important for me to be able to open up and share my feelings.  Some day I hope to get to a point where this can be the norm regardless of my situation, and, that is happening.  Where I can share my feelings and be content just to get them out there.  This has been a huge block for me, and, something that I see changing all the time.  These meetings have allowed me to explore those feelings in a safe way, and have allowed me to transfer that to outside of the meeting environment.

Since then I have dropped the open speaker meetings and have gone to meetings more focused on steps (an 11th step meditation meeting, which is also great) and big book readings.  I am taking this as is comfortable for me, and, I know I am procrastinating on some items (i.e. a real step 4 and step 9), however, each day, as I go through this process, I feel so much closer to what I need to do, and, that is a great feeling.