Catching Up...

The first series of meetings were basically speaker based.  I had no desire to introduce myself (other than admitting I was an alcoholic) or talking.  As time went on, however, and listening to other people share their stories, I became a bit more open to that idea.  As time moved on, even though I did not have a sponsor or a home group, it became important to me that I at least spoke some, to feel vested in the healing process.

I had attended (for the first 1 1/2) two open speaker meetings and group therapy.  As time went on, while I enjoyed and needed those experiences, I found my attention somewhat wandering.  While helpful, it was more of something I felt I needed to do, rather than something I felt I was growing with.

Then, something fortuitous happened.  One of the meetings I went to had the speaker group not show for a night, so, they moved to reading the big book.  That was kind of a changing experience.  Here I was in a group setting, reading from a book that I have heard so much about that was gathering dust on my shelf (and, sadly still does when I am not reading via group), being put into a position to comment on what I was reading and adapting it to my life.

This was kind of a changing point for me.  I realized that, while providing useful insight and identification, speaker meetings allowed me to continue to hide amongst the masses.  The big book reading brought it to the fore and really got me to identify with my feelings and talk about them in a meaningful way.  It was at this time I changed groups to a step meeting and a big book meeting (same group, two different nights).  I have met some amazing people there and heard some amazing stories.  It was the first group I joined (although still not terribly active) and where I found my first sponsor (although still not terribly active).  It was where I first really felt at home.  I found that reading, identifying and listening to others in different lengths of sobriety meant so much.  As I say in the meeting, I found a place where I can talk and not be judged by my actions.  I know that what I will say will not be met with skepticism, derision or a downward cast.  This is so important for me to be able to open up and share my feelings.  Some day I hope to get to a point where this can be the norm regardless of my situation, and, that is happening.  Where I can share my feelings and be content just to get them out there.  This has been a huge block for me, and, something that I see changing all the time.  These meetings have allowed me to explore those feelings in a safe way, and have allowed me to transfer that to outside of the meeting environment.

Since then I have dropped the open speaker meetings and have gone to meetings more focused on steps (an 11th step meditation meeting, which is also great) and big book readings.  I am taking this as is comfortable for me, and, I know I am procrastinating on some items (i.e. a real step 4 and step 9), however, each day, as I go through this process, I feel so much closer to what I need to do, and, that is a great feeling.