Keeping it in the Moment

Lately I have it found it to be a huge comfort to not look ahead more than just the next moment.  When I find myself thinking too much of the future and what ifs, at the point where my mind would spin out of control, bringing it back to "I am calm now.  I will be calm a moment from now." helps a great deal.  The future is just that -- no need to worry about it in this moment.

Starting the Steps

So, while in the process of looking for a vacation home, I have exhibited behaviour that has generally scared me that I thought I was beyond.  I guess we are never really beyond ourselves unless we do something active to change who we brought into AA.  I keep hearing this, but, now I think I understand it.  I have talked to my sponsor, and I am going to be calling him (hopefully soon, but, we shall see) about starting the steps.  I think this is the best way I can get out on paper and start to really talk about the behaviour traits that I need to admit to and to start changing the person who I brought in.  I truly understand that unless I can start working on that, I am no more than a dry drunk who is waiting for a relapse!

Mother Teresa's "Do It Anyway" prayer

Never heard this before today's meeting.  Really hit home for me so I thought I would share:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Stuff

In the past few weeks we have been clearing out stuff that we don't need (both physical and virtual) in order to get more stuff that we want (a vacation home).  In reading last night, an alcoholic was promised a new car if he could just stay sober for one year.  Making the promises he could, he, of course, was drinking before the words were out of his mouth.

This got me thinking about stuff and how it can clutter lives and lead to the stress that feeds the disease.  In active alcoholism, the stuff (especially those that require monthly payments) weigh and has the disease tell you it's ok to drink in order to relieve the stress of having to deal.  This, of course, just makes the problem worse as any kind of money issues become worse when drunk.

In sobriety there is the desire (if lost) to get that stuff back.  However, I think, without the proper foundation and realizations as to why this stuff is important, it will just lead back to the old hurtful places.  Having stuff for stuffs sake never really works out.  Do you need the fancy new car (or two)?  The vacation home?  The electronics?  What purpose does it server?  How will it make your life happier, more fulfilled?

This made me realize I kind of have a pyramid that serves as a foundation for wanting to explore bringing the stuff back into my life.  If I do not have this foundation, then, the new stuff will just be a weight that will crush me and bring me back to that dark place.

1) The love and respect of myself.  Without this, really, for me, all is lost.  If I don't love and respect myself, how can I expect other to love and respect me?  Without that love and respect I feel worthless, weak, unimportant.  Which will lead me right back into the throes of my disease
2) The love of a higher power.  This has been a while for me to get, but, knowing that I have something that will help me break out of the dark places that I can give my will over to (this does not mean, however, absolving myself of responsibility -- more on that in another post) helps to know that I can relieve myself of whatever stressful situation I am in now
3) The love and respect of my wife and my family.
4) The love and respect of my group and AA as a whole

As you can see, for me, love and respect are very important.  This all goes to how I treat myself and I perceive others treat me.  When I treat myself poorly, there is no use but to have alcohol as an outlet.  Even if other around me treat me poorly (in my eyes) I know that my love and respect for myself can overcome that because I know I am *worth* that love and respect, and, it will come to me.

With this kind of foundation in place, filling other spaces with things that you think will enhance your life and make it more enjoyable and loving seem second nature.  Anything else will just take up space, confuse, and lead to more stress than it is worth.

What Sobriety Brings

The ability to see your son get his black belt, appreciate it, and be there for him.

Honesty and feelings

On the path to healing, the first thing learned is that honesty is the only way to clear out the system.  That talking about your feelings, no matter how hurtful or pleasant they might be, is the way to relieve the burden of needing to drink.  My particular failure was quite the opposite.  Burying.  Dishonesty.  All paths that led to pain and suffering.

Now, this does not mean that speaking of feelings is a panacea.  There are times where I feel like crying all the time.  Believe it or not, this is a good thing.  To be able to have these feelings, to know they are there, no matter what form they come in is so much better than denial and repression.  I think this is only something that you can know once you've gone through and come out the other side.

The honesty bit is actually speaking about them to either the person that is involved with or to anyone.  It is great to have the feelings -- to know about them.  What I have found (personally) is that unless I actually bring them out into the light of day, inspect them and know them (hence the blog and all other forms of therapy I might have), they still just kind of lie there.  And, once speaking of them, speak of them truly.  Now, I know, especially for me, there is always a desire to tamp down, to mitigate, to mute.  This is because I project onto the other person how they will react, and therefore change what I say to that.  Not only does this take power of my emotions from me, it takes from the other person their will to react.  To presume what the other person will think or feel in a particular situation, in all my cases, has been disrespectful of that person and their abilities to share their feelings as well.

Now, for me, this does not mean I bring up a feeling the second I have it.  Sometimes I sit on it a bit.  Sometimes I do bring it up immediately.  The important thing is, for me, to talk about them.

Morbid Reflection

In my 11th step reading on Saturdays, there is always a phrase that stick out to me about keeping the mind from morbid reflection.  This is the part of the mind that takes any situation, no matter how benign, and spins it so far out of the norm that you find your heart racing and your mind going a million miles an hour.  Before, the only way to break that cycle would be to drink it down.  Now there is the serenity prayer and the asking of the higher power to help in the removal of these spinning thoughts.

Usually, for me, the serenity prayer, or, even writing in this blog is enough to tamp down the ghosts for a while.  As someone who has particular low self esteem, it's difficult not to spin situations into areas that would show me in the worst light, or, treated in the worst way.  As a recovering alcoholic who has been sitting in on meetings, listening to people, and hearing what works for them, I know this is also the disease trying to dictate my thoughts to get me back to drinking.  All the work that I have been doing to get myself on the spiritual path has been to combat this disease.  While my ability to cut off this negative and morbid reflection has not gone away, it has been tamped down and mitigated by the tools I have come by in the last few years.

The serenity prayer as a tool to break my thought patterns has really worked wonders for me (even if I need to say it 60 times an hour).  It really works...

Catching Up...

The first series of meetings were basically speaker based.  I had no desire to introduce myself (other than admitting I was an alcoholic) or talking.  As time went on, however, and listening to other people share their stories, I became a bit more open to that idea.  As time moved on, even though I did not have a sponsor or a home group, it became important to me that I at least spoke some, to feel vested in the healing process.

I had attended (for the first 1 1/2) two open speaker meetings and group therapy.  As time went on, while I enjoyed and needed those experiences, I found my attention somewhat wandering.  While helpful, it was more of something I felt I needed to do, rather than something I felt I was growing with.

Then, something fortuitous happened.  One of the meetings I went to had the speaker group not show for a night, so, they moved to reading the big book.  That was kind of a changing experience.  Here I was in a group setting, reading from a book that I have heard so much about that was gathering dust on my shelf (and, sadly still does when I am not reading via group), being put into a position to comment on what I was reading and adapting it to my life.

This was kind of a changing point for me.  I realized that, while providing useful insight and identification, speaker meetings allowed me to continue to hide amongst the masses.  The big book reading brought it to the fore and really got me to identify with my feelings and talk about them in a meaningful way.  It was at this time I changed groups to a step meeting and a big book meeting (same group, two different nights).  I have met some amazing people there and heard some amazing stories.  It was the first group I joined (although still not terribly active) and where I found my first sponsor (although still not terribly active).  It was where I first really felt at home.  I found that reading, identifying and listening to others in different lengths of sobriety meant so much.  As I say in the meeting, I found a place where I can talk and not be judged by my actions.  I know that what I will say will not be met with skepticism, derision or a downward cast.  This is so important for me to be able to open up and share my feelings.  Some day I hope to get to a point where this can be the norm regardless of my situation, and, that is happening.  Where I can share my feelings and be content just to get them out there.  This has been a huge block for me, and, something that I see changing all the time.  These meetings have allowed me to explore those feelings in a safe way, and have allowed me to transfer that to outside of the meeting environment.

Since then I have dropped the open speaker meetings and have gone to meetings more focused on steps (an 11th step meditation meeting, which is also great) and big book readings.  I am taking this as is comfortable for me, and, I know I am procrastinating on some items (i.e. a real step 4 and step 9), however, each day, as I go through this process, I feel so much closer to what I need to do, and, that is a great feeling.

Defects as Assets

So, I go to an average of three meetings a week.  A step 11 meeting on saturday mornings (meditation and discussion), a step meeting on tuesdays and a big book meeting on wednesdays.  The long timers will tell you that three meetings a week is bare minimum for maintenance, however, it is working for me now.

Tonight's meeting brought to me the phrase "my ego told me my defects were assets".  In every meeting I hear at least one thing that I go "yeah, I get that", and, this was certainly one of them.  Ego told me that my self-centered behavior and need to control were *good* things.  They kept a certain balancing of the ship.  Anger layered on top of that just reinforced.  The breaking down of the ego, the dealing with the anger, and the continuing on the spiritual path shows just how wrong this thinking is.  The breaking down of the ego and pride (as incredibly difficult as that is) shows just how this need to control has the opposite effect -- it actually spins the life out of control.  When you give up that ego and let life run it's course you realize that it is fine to steer your own ship -- you just cannot steer anyone else's.  It is this realization that is truly freeing and truly eases a great amount of the burden.  When I came to (as much as I try) understand that I can only be responsible for myself -- that is freeing.  It frees you up to help people as they need it, not because you need to control their outcome.  It is certainly a work in progress, however, realizing the defects for what they are, and not as assets, truly is a blessing of AA.

Easy Does It

I am reading a book called "Living Sober", and, today, appropriately, I read a section entitled "Easy Does It".  As an alcoholic, I certainly rush to get things done.  I think my thought with this was to rush to get everything down so I can catch up to "today".  However, what does that rushing get me?  It certainly gets me to the end of the story of my past, but, why the rush?

When I got sober (this time around) the first few months were a blur.  I heard of this "pink cloud" thing, but, honestly, if I am feeling it, it has only been within the past few months that it has hit me.  There was/is so much to work through, that going to meetings and group therapy in ad-care was, in a word, overwhelming.

I knew AA was right from the start.  What I thought was a religious cult turned into the knowledge of a safe haven where people like me could talk about their lives and *not be judged*.  This was crucial for me.  The ability to talk about myself and my feelings in an environment where I was understood and where I knew that no matter what I said it would not be met with a guffaw, disdain or anger was so important to allowing me to open up.

Growing up we were never encouraged to share our feelings.  Our feelings were a burden to others, so, why burden them?  Through adult hood whenever I ventured into discussing feelings, there was never a glow with "hey, I am talking about them".  I would always take what the other person said as indication (or vindication) that my feelings were not worth speaking about.  Any hint of negativity.  Any hint of "why are you telling me this" would shut me down.  Force me to close in on myself, to a point where alcohol seemed to be  the only solace.

AA taught me that this is not necessary.  The spiritual path is one of honesty, openness, and, yes pain, when necessary.  It is only through experiencing that pain, the joy, the happiness that we truly understand what our feelings are about and get to a place where we are content just to let our feelings known, regardless of how they are taken by the people who we are sharing with.

Hmmm.  Enough for now, I think.  Easy Does It.  Next time I think I will talk about the transition from ad-care group therapy to step work (even though I am technically still not "doing" the steps) and how that was instrumental in further going down the spiritual path.

Egocentric

In the beginning, learning about myself and the disease, I was struck by how egocentric the whole process is.  Egocentric because the drinking was all about me.  No one poured the liquor down my throat.  No one told me that drinking was the only way to solve the pain.  The was my ego taking myself out of the world for protection from the perceived pain and suffering.

In sobriety, it is also egocentric, but, in a different way.  The healing and spirituality is also all about me.  I am the one going to meetings to get myself better.  No one is forcing me to go (although there are certainly consequences if I do not).  No one is also forcing me *not* to drink.  However, the difference between the egocentricity of drinking and this is the fact that by focusing on self and healing, it allows and frees me to give myself and offer myself to others.  The alcohol took that away from me.  The spirituality gives that back.

Just Gotta Write to Write

Sometimes you just have to write to write.  Fast forward a few years, and, it still isn't any easier to deal with emotions that... hurt, but, better to deal with them than to bury them under alcohol (trust me).  What is different is learning to deal with the pain.  The mind still goes 1000 miles an hour, thinking ahead, bringing out unreasonable (or reasonable) conclusions to current situations.  The alcoholic mind is great at trying to warp, to twist a situation to its ultimate worst form, daring you to drink it away.  The difference here is that you don't.  That you understand it for what it is, and, even though the mind still works the way it does, you realize that you cannot control the situation, only your part in it.  That is the toughest part of sobriety.  Differentiating between what you can control and what you cannot.  You either need to shake the roots or ride the current.  Sometimes it's best to ride the current, steer where you can, and hope you can reach the shore somewhat unscathed.  One day at a time, eh?

The Journey Begins

My journey really began when I admitted that I was an alcoholic and had no power over it.  My wife (who has been of tremendous support through this entire process) gave me three edicts:

1) Never, ever drive drunk again with the kids in the car.  Instant separation
2) Get help
3) Have weekly coffee talks for at least an hour so we can catch up on what has gone on during the week

Now, at this point, I was faced with two paths.  The first path would have led to separation and the ability to drink as I had wanted, when I wanted, rather than with the (modicum) of restraint I had up to that point.  The second was the three steps above.  I chose the latter.  When faced with that choice I realized it really wasn't a choice.  I love my wife and my family.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and, the fact that I "gave it up" meant that I wanted to seek that help, not run from it.

Now, grant you, the edit to get help was not met with great enthusiasm.  I had no idea about AA (I thought it was a religious cult at it's heart) or where to go for this mythical help.  The first part was a no brainer.  I will never forgive myself for the danger I put my family and others families in during my drinking days.  Holding that in my head and heart helps keep me sober.

The last part (coffee) has turned out to be a wonderful experience.  This is (at least) one hour a week we get to spend together and talk about ourselves, our relationship and what we want to do.  Not all conversations have been meaningful (or even lucid), however, they have been an integral part in recovery of not only me, but also my wife and our relationship.  They continue to this day.

The first part, getting help, was the first time I had to face the fact that I needed help and do something for myself rather than letting life guide me (which, oddly, is back to a place I am now, but, more on that later).

I did start by going to AdCare where I live.  I had intensive out patient treatment (IOP) three days a week.  That later grew into group therapy.  I also started with an AA speaker meeting, conveniently, right next door to my house.  That is where the journey actually started.  The first AA meeting, while, like the first coffee sessions, are kind of misty, meant a great deal.  To listen to people not like me at all, but telling me my story of repressed feelings, guilt, shame.  That meant a lot.  I knew I was not alone.

My sober date is March 23rd, 2009.  With my higher powers help that will be set.  We shall see.  Suppose I should get back to work now ;)

Hello

Hello.  My name is Howard and I am an alcoholic.  As I like to say in meetings, I was an alcoholic long before I took my first drink.  Burying feelings.  Denying.  Everything that I could do to put myself into a shell and keep myself there.

My first drink was at 13.  I remember sitting on the roof of my friend's house (which seemed like a good idea because, after all, there was a ladder there), thinking that it was a great feeling.  Alcohol gave me the ability to... forget for a while.  I remember when my mother picked me up I spent the entire time looking at the window, hoping she wouldn't notice.  To this day I don't know if she did.

I grew up in a family where talking was not technically encouraged.  Feelings were a burden.  When I got to college I really didn't know how to interact.  The quintessential geek, I really didn't get along.  I had friends (same ones I have to this day), but, I was never really comfortable.  Until I started drinking in my sophomore  year.  Then, we can say, the journey started.  I made up for lost time.  Finding bars that would give me free drinks.  If I drove home drunk once, I drove home a thousand times.  Someone was certainly looking out for me.  In the 20 plus years of my drinking career I never once got a dui or into an accident.  Not for lack of trying, however.

When I got back together with my current (and hopefully very much into the future) wife, I had been drinking for 12 or so years.  Then, I stopped.  I didn't know it then but I certainly do now -- I was living the life of a dry drunk.  For the next number of years (5 or so), I stopped drinking altogether (well, maybe a little wine maintenance every now and again).  Then, slowly, alcohol got it's way back into my life.  While living in Pennsylvania we had our first child.  That was... difficult.  We grew up in the Boston area, and, this is where all our friends and family are.  When it hit the fan we really had no support group.  Oddly, I didn't start drinking with gusto until we moved back to the Boston area.  Then I picked up where I left off, and then some.  Slowly at first, then with increasing frequency, I did with alcohol what I always tried to do -- build that wall that would separate myself from my feelings.  Everything was too painful.  Nothing worked.  We had a second child.  The drinking got a little worse.  I told myself I would never drive drunk with them in the car.  Nothing would stand in the way of this disease.  Again, my higher power had a watchful eye on me.  No harm, no foul.

The worst was when my son was diagnosed with Type I diabetes.  I remember sneaking off late at night to the parking garage across the street from the hospital to drink.  There was no shame.  No barriers.

I know I was slowly coming to the end.  Either I was going to give into the addition completely or something was going to have to give.  By accident or by design, I left the telltale alcohol bag on top of the trash. When my wife came home she saw it and became upset.  She thought my withdrawal was due to the fact I was having an affair, and here was the proof.  When I admitted it was alcohol, she was relieved.  Relieved to finally know.  And, she said she was right.  I was having an affair -- with alcohol.  I will never forget that, because that is where my true journey begins.

By Means an Introduction

I call this Surviving the Whirlpool as a before and after experience with alcohol and the effects it had on my life.  This won't be so much about my experience as an alcoholic (although I will start with that) - it will be more of my experience of being in the moment.  Living life on life's terms.  I am certainly writing this for myself.  It helps to get it out and expose the darkness to the light of day.  That is the only way to shrink the darkness and keep the disease of alcoholism at bay.  If not for honesty, I would be dead now.  That I know.