The Journey Begins

My journey really began when I admitted that I was an alcoholic and had no power over it.  My wife (who has been of tremendous support through this entire process) gave me three edicts:

1) Never, ever drive drunk again with the kids in the car.  Instant separation
2) Get help
3) Have weekly coffee talks for at least an hour so we can catch up on what has gone on during the week

Now, at this point, I was faced with two paths.  The first path would have led to separation and the ability to drink as I had wanted, when I wanted, rather than with the (modicum) of restraint I had up to that point.  The second was the three steps above.  I chose the latter.  When faced with that choice I realized it really wasn't a choice.  I love my wife and my family.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and, the fact that I "gave it up" meant that I wanted to seek that help, not run from it.

Now, grant you, the edit to get help was not met with great enthusiasm.  I had no idea about AA (I thought it was a religious cult at it's heart) or where to go for this mythical help.  The first part was a no brainer.  I will never forgive myself for the danger I put my family and others families in during my drinking days.  Holding that in my head and heart helps keep me sober.

The last part (coffee) has turned out to be a wonderful experience.  This is (at least) one hour a week we get to spend together and talk about ourselves, our relationship and what we want to do.  Not all conversations have been meaningful (or even lucid), however, they have been an integral part in recovery of not only me, but also my wife and our relationship.  They continue to this day.

The first part, getting help, was the first time I had to face the fact that I needed help and do something for myself rather than letting life guide me (which, oddly, is back to a place I am now, but, more on that later).

I did start by going to AdCare where I live.  I had intensive out patient treatment (IOP) three days a week.  That later grew into group therapy.  I also started with an AA speaker meeting, conveniently, right next door to my house.  That is where the journey actually started.  The first AA meeting, while, like the first coffee sessions, are kind of misty, meant a great deal.  To listen to people not like me at all, but telling me my story of repressed feelings, guilt, shame.  That meant a lot.  I knew I was not alone.

My sober date is March 23rd, 2009.  With my higher powers help that will be set.  We shall see.  Suppose I should get back to work now ;)